Pulling the Weeds From Social Media Dirt

The combination of social media, covid and the past few election cycles have allowed us to learn more about each other than perhaps we should. For me, this has had an effect on my relationship with family and friends. This isn’t the result of some injustice my friends or family have done to me, it’s a thought or feeling I’m bringing on myself, a pesky weed if you will. I think those feelings have roots that sprout up and grow from social media dirt. There is this unspoken sense of tension that I put on. Self sabotage, successfully completed by assuming I know how others feel or think because of something they’ve posted. I convince myself that what I assume they believe or feel is actual truth. I know and am confident in the fact that God is the only real truth. Too many times in the past few years, I’ve strayed from that.

I am beginning to understand that most of my stress or tension is a reflection of what I assume others think or feel about me. If it isn’t from assuming what others are thinking or feeling then it’s from anticipating some great disaster that is about to unfold. I am fantastic at allowing myself to be sick with worry, assuming my own brain knows what other brains are thinking about me and that that same brain can somehow perceive the next disaster. I’d be hard pressed to name one single true disaster in my life. But here I am still worrying.

Recently I’ve come to terms with the fact that this behavior is a sin. It’s wrong of me to assume I know what the people God has put in my life, the people chosen to be my friends and family are thinking. It’s wrong for me to waste time worrying about some crisis I can’t prevent when I should be resting in the fact that His plan is perfect no matter what.

I was raised in a Sunday morning, Sunday night, Wednesday evening AWANA, mandatory church attendance family. I was saved young and on fire for God, and then the flame burned down. I’ve wrestled with Him, pushed Him away, been angry at Him and doubted Him. And I probably will again. I’m messing up every day. Making bad choices, saying bad words, letting people down, and most recently reacting angrily when the truer emotion is sad or hurt. I hope I’m making it crystal clear because I’m already worried by what I’m assuming you think: I’m the same quick to be hurt, respond to that hurt with anger, always want to be right, grouchy when hungry Sara.

But God is different to me this time. I’m not implying that He changed but rather, He’s changed my ability to see Him in a different light. And in this time of- in your face, immediate reaction, know how everyone feels about everything world….I have never been more grateful to feel closer to Him. I believe the secret is all about our pursuit in finding Him. I am searching for Him. I think that’s when we get to know Him differently. When we are so desperate for connection, guidance and love that we actively seek Him out. Doing that has changed me in a way that I’m certain only He knew it would.

It really didn’t take much, mostly just feeling alone. I started listening to a few praise songs and then I was listening every morning and had favorites. Then I thought I should find a church. I started going to church again, although I still let Him down in that area at times, He knows I’m working on it. I started talking to Him. Not just the numb generic every night mandatory bedtime prayer but actually talking to him. And now, I’ve been doing a family Bible study zoom style with 3 cousins and my mom. I’m not sure why it seems mysterious but seeking Him, actually helps you find Him.

What He’s shown me this week is that it’s wrong to react in an angry tone, before I let the hurt settle. It’s wrong to assume I know what others must be thinking. He’s shown me that regret is bitter. Right now He’s telling me love is more important and that I should pray harder for the right words to express my hurt adequately without hurting others. Because he calls us to love.

I’m thankful for this new unforced relationship with Him. I’m grateful to have this outlet that allows me to empty out thoughts that cram up my brain and most importantly I’m praising Him for giving me a place to talk honestly about my struggles with life and with Him. Because it is in my struggles with Him where I see His grace and love most.

I’m praying that if He gives me an opportunity to type words that you may read, He will take away my always present need to be right and replace my own words with His words. That He’ll give me words of comfort and love. Words that heal and don’t hurt.

This praying and seeking has led me to realize how much more time I spend looking at my phone or watching for notifications instead of reading His word and watching for His signs. I’ve deleted Instagram and moved Facebook from my phone to my computer. In the last week I’ve checked FB in the morning and then again in the evening. It’s not a total breakup but the change in my mental status and in my heart are already significant.

My point is we or more specifically I’ve allowed this social media craze influence my perception of people who love me. I’ve also allowed it to take the place of reality at times and I’ve certainly allowed it to take the place of prayer and my relationship with God. I wonder how many flowers He’s sent that I’ve missed while I’m immersing myself in these social media weeds? I’m a work in progress. A constant battle of back and forth, a fight of pushing away and then desperately clinging to God. He takes me back every single time. He forgives me every single time. He teaches me something new every single time…..and there is no social media platform that can compare to a love like that.